Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about