4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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I hope this email punches you square in the face
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP