I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.