Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Lmbo
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”