After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
…u ok Nintendo?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say