My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
why isn’t he texting back
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!