Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
You Might Also Like
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
All excellent questions
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…