I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
monday