not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool