These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
my first dose meeting my second
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.