The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful