*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
saw this in a dream
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting