women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Meow
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
SF is the wild wild west man
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.