The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
mmm onion ringos
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing