[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
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I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.