Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?