To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
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I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler