It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.