The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My sex drive has a dui
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Social Media and Real life