pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler