morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.