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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
moms in horror movies
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
birds and squirrels envy us
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel