when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
set yourself free xox
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[montage of me giving-up]
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?