11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?