NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
$3 #books
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous