The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases