My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.