If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?