You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
called in thicc to work this morning
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.