Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face