Get off my horse you stupid moon
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I hope Alan is OK
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage