imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Venn
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there