“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
This raises questions
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry