I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.