the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”