Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.