Schrödinger’s Dumpster
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birds and squirrels envy us
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor