I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You Might Also Like
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.