Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
screw you
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.