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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
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Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.