[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
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this is uni
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
For cardio I live beyond my means.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.