Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.