Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”