Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir