Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm