If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
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Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
live, laugh, laundry.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.