The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*