A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
They’re the worst 😩
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.