I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.