wtf is an acronym
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*